Dear white friends:

Dear white friends:

I’m sure many of you have had difficult conversations with friends or family members about the dangers of Trump during the election cycle or this week with his failed coup attempt. One thing you may have noticed from Trump supporters is a defense mechanism called gaslighting. Gaslighting removes the focus and blame from the real problem at hand and instead attempts to put the blame back on the person naming the problem (you). It acts as a punishment for addressing the truth.

Fortunately, we have this public, textbook example from Senator Rubio of exactly how gaslighting works. In this tweet, we see the Senator refusing to accept responsibility for the fascist leader he supported and enabled (despite knowing better, as his 2016 tweets will show). Rubio instead puts the blame Biden despite the fact that Biden isn’t calling for impeachment – he has said, “that is up to congress.”

Gaslighting is a form of violence that has traditionally been used to subjugate women, POC and others who dare question the authority of white supremacy. As a white guy calling out racism, I’ve been gaslit many times, and it feels like what I can best describe as a “verbal vomit punch.” I’ve lost “friends” in the process of standing up to gaslighting. Been mocked and “LOLed” at. But I gained a spine. And a commitment to using my current privilege within the existing system to root out injustices, amplify voices of the most marginalized, and work to build a fair, equitable and just society.

You can too. Start with 1to1 conversations. When you have these difficult conversations and gaslighting starts to happen, call it out. Know that they are ultimately hurting themselves by shielding themselves from the truth. Tell them there is no shame in admitting when you are wrong or have gone astray – that it is actually a part of the growing process. But if it gets violent or you feel unsafe, walk away knowing you love that person enough to present them with the truth. It’s up to them to listen.