Speak my truth. That sounds grand. But what is the truth I’m needing to speak? I don’t know (or so the story goes) so I’m turning here. Not because you can tell me what my truth is but because I know, at least, you will listen.
Twice today truth telling came up. I was getting a new type of treatment done and when she had her hand on my left side on the diaphragm she said, “Can you feel that?”
“I sure can. That’s the spot. It hurts often. I discovered it when I was on a silent retreat at the monastery, sweeping the floors hours a day.”
“This might sound woo woo to you but see how it feels when I say, consider you discovered this discomfort while you were silent at a monastery. Is there something you need to say?”
At first I laughed. It was like a nervous energy, “What are you gonna have me speaking!?”
“Your truth.” And as she worked there was so much sensation in my throat and lots of bubbles and burps after.
Later I was at my chiropractor and she was asking about new goals and asked if there was anything emotional so I told her about my earlier experience. “Your C4 is always off that also has to do with your throat chakra. Speak that truth before baby comes!” she said.
I felt really funny after. Kind of like I was walloped by something. Cranky. And searching.
I know the search is a distraction. Is it a day to day truths like telling my colleague I need her to step up, I can’t carry this project on my own? Or is it something big, like what is my purpose? The answers are not in the questions taking over from ego mind. I know that.
Just last week I was doing a mindfulness practice called “recording and listening” about 3 successes in my life. I stumbled on this awareness of honing my craft. The success of continuing to cultivate a way of being in the world. And yet, it left me feeling what exactly is my craft and what is the essence of me that makes that craft so powerful? I don’t know it. I just know what people tell me. I try to trust them. My craft feels like a way, not a thing. What is it? And am I applying it in the most expansive way possible? Is there more for me to do/be? Why can’t I describe it?
I also had this powerful awareness last week about my longing for ritual. It’s related to our planning of a “baby shower” (neither of us care for this lingo). I wrote something about it. What was uncovered after a lot of tears was that I’m longing for more sacred rituals and marking of rites of passage that is grounded in the earth and connected deeply with community. There is a scared/hurt part of me who feels frustrated that we’ve had to make our own and that in doing so I feel alone, I feel a freak. That it feeds the story that I am a freak in our families. And sometimes I feed that story for them. To make it easy…instead of speaking my truth.
And now as I type that, I feel a fear that I don’t know how to speak my truth without preaching. The angry part always sneaks up. I want the hurt part to speak. To say, listen to me. I want help. I need help. I don’t want to do it all myself. I get on my soapbox and it prevents the connection I want. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. I have things to say and I don’t need people to agree but I want them to appreciate.
There’s something lurking underneath that wants to come out. I can feel it in my throat right now. I don’t know what it is but my sense is that it’s related to my medicine, to my craft, to my identifying it, naming it, embracing it and sharing it more clearly and boldly and unapologetically than I have thus far.
This baby is helping me see a lot. I thank them for being part of this journey for me. I have sense that birthing them is going to birth a lot…
Jessica Ridge
Jess Ridge brings a diverse background of community organizing, policy, play, meditation, and political experience everywhere she goes. She is the East Coast Partnerships Director for the Family Independence Initiative, a national nonprofit (re)distributing millions of dollars to families living with low-incomes, while also uplifting the social capital that exists within their communities. Jess Ridge was Boston City Councilor At-Large Ayanna Pressley’s partner in good (aka Chief of Staff and Policy Director) for eight years. In addition to executing major policy initiatives, she brought play and meditation to City Hall. She practices Ashtanga yoga and loves hiking, channeling her inner 5 year old, and facilitating meditation and white affinity groups.
