A turbulent wave of energy charged through me on the day of the full moon in Libra. Caught in a hurricane on the open sea. Seemingly out of nowhere. Well, triggered by one email from a colleague. I felt left out. My voice, my opinion felt silenced or at least unheard. I felt moved in a direction that did not feel aligned. I felt disillusioned.
But first, RAGE. Heat coursing through my body, unleashed on my head. Temples aching, body shaking. Breathing through meetings (or was it panting?). Preparing for the fight. I am going to fight!! Wanting to scream, wanting to say, “no, no, no, this isn’t right. How could you!?”
AND, deep within, a sense that everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. No one has done anything to me this time. Why does this feel so intense? Why am I so upset? Why can’t I let the emotions and thoughts go?
But still, the rage.
And then the quiet little tapping on my shoulder, on that weak place in my throat. The lump, the yearning, but afraid to speak. The tears pushing against the corners of my eyes. There’s someone else inside who wants to be heard that the anger is not making way for. Maybe the anger is trying to protect her, but in that protection it is stifling.
I turn to Mentor through recording. The rage spills out. But the quiet one still has a lump in her throat. The hurt is still there. I record again. And it comes out. “How could this happen? Did I really not see? I’m just a cog in a wheel. How could they not listen? I have something to say that matters.”
The flood gates open. The room fills with the cry of hurts known and unknown. I stop talking and allow the waves to crash over me and out through the sounds of my sobs. The tears washing my face.
Then I listen to her. I listen to how hurt and afraid she is. And the shame behind it (how did I let this happen again?).
And then I remind her, she’s done nothing wrong. Her feelings are okay. She can speak her mind. It is safe. I remind her she is whole and has something to offer and to learn.
Later, I write. I write a letter to them. I write out all my hurts, all my fears. And let it sit. It’s raw and it’s out of my head and into the world in some small way. I ask Bruce to read it, and he receives it fully. He honors the feelings and offers some guidance so others may receive it too.
Then moon circle and good night.
I wake to a dream in the morning where something is happening that doesn’t feel good. I feel all the feels, the rage, the hurt, and the lump in my throat. As I wake, I realize the dream is a message. I can and will feel all these feelings. AND I don’t have to respond from that place. I want to respond from clear. I can respond from clear. I feel clear now.
I write a new note to them. I am able to clarify what I am seeing in the work we are doing. I am able to say I know it was not an act of malice that I wasn’t included AND I am able to ask, next time please invite me to that meeting. I am able to see my offering as an opportunity to for all of us to learn and to listen.
Today, for a moment I wonder again, why was it intense? Yes, it is important, but it was not life threatening. In this case, I do actually love and appreciate the people I work with. I am actually safe in my ability to express myself without fear of reprimand, retaliation, or letting go. Why then did my body shake? Why then did I sob uncontrollably once I broke through the wall of rage? Why did I feel so afraid and alone and silenced?
A sense that it was old karma drops in. A sense that it was the pain of being silenced, likely by force in lifetimes past. Not remembered in my mind but in my body. It feels the pain and shame and rage of all the witches burned all the mommas silenced and I think that is what oozes out in those moments. The pain endured over thousands of years. The wounds ripped open again, and all of that is surfaced.
I am grateful for all those feelings. The threat felt so real in the moment, and now I see there is no threat at all. That actually I just want to express a need and I want to have my experience, my perspective, considered and valued. I feel how important it is to let all those feelings come and go, to care for the person going through them, tending to the pain and hurt and whenever possible, not responding from those places.
I am reminded of one of my favorite descriptions of karma – ”Karma is not something that happens to you but how you respond.”
In this lifetime I can change how I respond. I can alter the pattern, even with just a simple adjustment.
So I breathe. I allow all the rage and the pain and the fear and the shame to come rushing in. I let it in and find ways to let it out without taking others out with me. I turn to the deep place of knowing within to ride the waves with me. I turn to you sisters to be with me. I turn to my partner because he is not afraid of the storm.
And the storm always passes. It clears. And I see. The response, the small adjustment is revealed. This is what I have to offer. This is what I need. This is what I want to ask for.
I ask without the rage and condemnation of 1,000 lifetimes. I share without the fear of being silenced. I offer without the heavy burden of shame.
And then we talk, and something has shifted. I see there is now an opportunity to learn more. There is information that becomes available. A pattern begins to break; a new pattern is emerging.
I feel a little more free. And I smile, noting that it was kind of fun to ride those waves.
Jessica Ridge
Jess Ridge brings a diverse background of community organizing, policy, play, meditation, and political experience everywhere she goes. She is the East Coast Partnerships Director for the Family Independence Initiative, a national nonprofit (re)distributing millions of dollars to families living with low-incomes, while also uplifting the social capital that exists within their communities. Jess Ridge was Boston City Councilor At-Large Ayanna Pressley’s partner in good (aka Chief of Staff and Policy Director) for eight years. In addition to executing major policy initiatives, she brought play and meditation to City Hall. She practices Ashtanga yoga and loves hiking, channeling her inner 5 year old, and facilitating meditation and white affinity groups.
